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Welcome
to the "Riding the Wave - The Wave Riders™ "
Newsletter. http://www.thewaveriders.com
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"I
am at the end of my rope"©
When your relationship seems over.
by Indigo Irwin Kennedy
Based on Theories from the Book - The Wave Riders ®
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I often get to meet the spouse
of a bipolar man or woman when they have reached the limits
of their patience. They have been through a nightmare of changing
emotions, screaming sessions and tumultuous days. They want
change to happen immediately because they have suffered long
enough!
The hard truth is that even
though everyone has suffered, complete change will not happen
instantly. Change will first happen in the mind - a relization
occurs and we start adjusting to these new ideas. Often change
will happen inside without only minimal external first signs
of improvement. Then steps need to be implemented substituting
old negative habits with new positive habits. When you start
to see the hints of change is when we need a little more patience
to make permanent change. Medication, if required, will take
weeks to really kick in. Old reckless habits need to be replaced
with new balanced habits. Schedules may need to be altered
and a new way of thinking needs to get its footing.
The good news is that by"Changing
our Minds" can be instantaneous!
Changing how we view what we
are doing in life - can mean rapid and instant change in our
behavior. Making change stick permanently however, takes time,
dedication, determination and support.
Understanding that we have different
levels in which we view the world is only the first step in
changing our lives. It can be a scary process to become someone
that we have not known before, and that is exactly how it
can feel. It can take time and we often have to make a mistake
or two before being able to observe the process in a new way.
We have lived many years thinking that the high-energy self
is our BEST self, only to find out that it is that self that
created the chaos and eventually the depression. What a rude
awakening! At times, an embarrassing awakening!
This revelation can be a shock
to the system. How can we be 30, 40 , 50, 60 and only now
be learning that we never really chose our lives for ourselves?
How do we cope with the realization that we only chose our
career, paths, relationships, financial decisions and commitments
based on whether our adrenaline levels were up or we were
depressed and down.
When we are "up" we
see the world as "the best" and it works into our
relationships, you will be the best husband or wife a person
could ever have. Of course, we can spend our whole pay because
- the world is wonderful and we are doing so well.
Then, when we are down our feelings
reverse and you are the cause of all the unhappiness that
we feel and our job stinks and we want to quit. We often feel
remorse or embarrassed by our purchases or actions on the
"high wave" but refuse to acknowledge our mistake
out of pride. We cannot ask for the gift back or we cannot
say no after volunteering.
These two levels "up and
excited" and "down and depressed" DO NOT represent
the true state of your relationship or the person that you
are with. They do not relate to your financial state, the
state of your career, the state of your being…they relate
to two totally unrealistic states of mind that can create
chaos if not balanced.
Even with the most determined
mind ready to tame the waves, we may have to have a period
of high energy and depression again to really see what is
going on with our emotions. In other words, we may stumble.
By starting the healing process we might actually trigger
a "high-energy" wave that convinces us that "this
time we can handle it'.
It is like the alcoholic who
thinks that this time they can handle just one drink that
leads to a 3 day drinking event. Or the smoker that can now
handle one puff of a cigarette that ends up smoking 3 packs
a day.
Healing now brings us joy and with it a "shot of adrenaline"
- the very substance that we are addicted to. We might not
even notice it as it becomes more subtle as if trying to hide
itself from us. The adrenaline feels good and we are hooked
again. We may continue to do well until final burn out pushes
us into depression leaving our determination deflated.
If this happens, we need to
look at the events that led us to the burn out and the depression.
We need to observe that high-ride again and learn from the
signals that gave us hints that the adrenaline was released.
We need to ask our loved ones to give us a sign when they
see it as usually they can see it before us...and we need
to accept that sign - without anger, when they signal us that
a "high wave" is about to occur. Adrenaline may
make us angry at someone who is trying to help. We need to
be aware of that and resist the temptation to go ballistic
at the words "Honey, you are heading on a high wave".
We need to react by deep breathing and not by anger in defense
of the ride.
Getting to the middle is almost impossible when we are out
of balance so the first task is to find the middle again.
This might mean that we have to first quit drinking or doing
drugs or we may have to start to exercise and eat properly
with balanced rest.
These two states effect how
we view and act within our relationships.The high energy state
is where some promises may be made that cannot be filled.
This is due to the "overoptimistic" state. The low
energy state is where it is hard to feel love for another
person. Focus is pulled inward becoming a self-loathing pessimistic
energy.
How you spouse really feels
about you and the life they lead is at the mid-wave, and if
they are bouncing up and down between optimism and pessimism
without a "middle-state" then they will not know
how they really feel.
How long it will take us to
get to middle again is unpredictable but it will not be an
instant process. Though we may (by changing our minds) be
able to understand and to know where middle is, we will also
have some old habits that will take time to break.
So what guidelines can you use
to see that progress is really being made? In other words,
how do we recognize change patterns?
Here are some of the things
to watch for.
They acknowledge there is a
problem and are willing to talk to you or someone about it.
They are willing to listen to you and to hear possible solutions.
They show up. They do as they say - though there may be the
occasional stumble they "get back at it right away".
They allow you to work with them
They take positive action
They use positive terms: I will balance. I will stop drinking
(not I am going to try)
I have many readers Email me
and ask....should I stay? This is not a question that I can
directly answer, however when you are blocked at every attempt
to help, when you are shut out because there is no acknowledgment
of a problem, when you are not allowed "in"....
you will know that it is unlikely that change will occur.
You will know that perhaps there is something deeper or that
your partner is not ready for change.
High - energy is an addiction
and it leads to many other addictions that may add to a deeper
depression. This could be food addiction and weight gain,
shopping/spending addition and financial stress, alcohol/drugs
and anger so that not only are we depressed but we are also
dealing with the consequences of our actions in other ways
as well.
Adrenaline addiction is what
you are dealing with and it takes time to get over. Just as
any other addictions there can be set backs. There are many
stages to removing addiction from our lives and the first
is acknowledging that there is a problem in the first place.
Sometimes this does not happen until we hit bottom.
Whether you decide to stay in
the relationship or now is totally up to you. You were not
placed on earth to take abuse or to solve someone else's problems
for them. There is an element of "responsibity",
meaning that we are responsible ultimately for our actions.
Being bipolar should not be used as an excuse to simple stay
out of balance or to make our loved ones miserable. We need
to see the problem and to make choices to improve whether
it is with medication, balance techniques or both. But heavy
drinking and simple yelling that we don't have a problem is
not a positive stage for change.
A balanced Wave Rider may remove
anger from their lives something desperately needed in many
relationships with bipolar partner, family members and friends.
The anger is not really who they are it is the body and mind
lashing out from the addiction and withdrawal.
With that said you do not deserve
to be the target of their anger. Do not confront us when we
are in anger as we are out of control. Do not try to talk
to us about the anger when we are depressed as we may go deeper
into the depression. Wait until mid-wave and discuss that
this anger is not something that you like to have in your
life and talk about ways to make positive change. Balance
and prevention of the burnout is the key. We must balance
or without it we are not the people we want to be and anger,
frustration and depression are the only things we see.
We need to first commit to change
then do what it takes to get that balance in our lives.
If you see us trying to change
we hope that you will find just a little more patience as
the body rebuilds and new habits are formed. If we are in
depression right now, then this is the tough time and we cannot
yet see to be able to help ourselves. Hang in there while
we bring ourselves back to the middle again. A prolonged "up
time" can mean a very deep and prolonged "down time".
We may need medication to help us out of the pit, to balance
our brain chemistry to allow us to work on more positive habits.
Special note: You may
be dealing with more than just bipolar disorder or you may
be dealing with an extreme level of bipolar disorder. You
may be dealing with someone whose mental health needs go beyond
that of the creative person who is simply out of balance.
It is always best to work with a doctor who can help to determine
what the patient may need. You may also be dealing with excessive
and dangerous anger outbursts. Be careful and ensure the safety
of yourself and your children. This article is based on my
thoughts and observations and is not meant as a substitute
for professional medical help. You may also need to have a
"release form" filled in and signed by the person
that you are trying to help so that you can talk to their
doctor or the doctor will be unable to talk to you. Sometimes
we may need someone to explain to our doctor that a particular
medication is not working, having bad side effects or may
be wrong. Antidepressants, out-of balance blood sugars, head
injuries may be the cause of some of the behavior. Antidepressants
can actually make a bipolar person worse. Communicate with
the doctor on anything that may be of a concern is necessary
to insure that the person you are trying to help gets the
right help.
Indigo
Indigo Irwin Kennedy
Author: The Wave Riders
http://www.thewaveriders.com
Order the Book at http://www.thewaveriders.com/order.html
Look for more articles
coming in The Wave Riders newsletters.
Indigo
http://www.thewaveriders.com
Respond to this article by emailing
Indigo E-mail info@thewaveriders.com
Click
here to order The Wave Riders Book
(http://www.thewaveriders.com/order.html)
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