"Do you think I want to sit here like this - my belly in my lap?" replied the women next to me as she addressed the thin women in front of us. I looked over at her rolling hills of blue knit and knew, that though, I had hidden my weight well with my height that there was too much of my body showing up where it did not belong.

I knew I needed to stop whatever it was that was causing me to climb higher and higher on the scales. I could already see 250 pounds on the horizon and my chairs were beginning to sigh in protest. Attempting to run with my daughter would give me visions of cartoon dinosaurs where the earth shook with each pounding step. My knees were disintegrating under the load and I was miserable.

It really began to upset me when thin people would judge us as weak or immoral just because of the weight. It was an old story. I began to notice that you could commit murder, sell drugs, be an alcoholic and still find love. But gain a lot of weight and you have committed the deadliest of sins - Gluttony. We know it is not all about the amount of food a person eats. It is a lot about metabolic rate, exercise vs. input, genes and emotional state. What makes it worse is that we are the first people to "jump ship" and judge ourselves harshly. From somewhere inside our minds comes the name-calling and verbal abuse. There is nowhere to hide and nowhere to run when the injuries are self-inflicted.

"I understand" said the thin women "I know just how you feel"

"You know squat", I leaped in "You get a swollen pimple and you think you have gained weight. The occasional 5 lbs you gain and lose are not even in the arena of what we are talking about. It is painful to you because you fear becoming us. You fear going beyond normal body mass- you fear getting fat.

She paused a moment then replied, "it is painful to each of us in different ways but relative only in our own perception."

Shut me up it did- hmmmmmm, I thought.

Anyway, here we were one more meeting that had turned and the topic wandered off to weight again. I was so sick of hearing weight discussions and new diets people thought I should try. It was similar to being pregnant when you as a person cease to exist and every conversation begins with "when are you due" and ends in a belly rub.

These days it seems perfectly acceptable for polite people to interrupt a normal discussion with; "did you know that you could stand to lose a little weight" or  "so have you heard of the latest fat reducing cleanse". My typical response is Yes, Thank you. That really is new to me and yes I am sure that this is the miracle that will cure this weight thing. Now, can we order?

What ever happened to... Love your friends unconditionally accept them and honor them no matter how much of them there is.

So here I am at a business meeting talking about weight again. Yes, I would like to lose weight…just so I could change the subject.

What the thin women said as she sat on the floor still intrigued me. Our pain is all relative. This was not a new concept but this time it was stuck in my head, and my mind left the building. I could no longer hear or participate in the discussion. I was consumed again with reality, perception and results.

I had previously been studying perceptions and the results of specific perceptions. For example, if you believe you are stupid - what results would appear? What opportunities would you turn down because of your belief structure and what would be the end result? What if, for example the exact person was cloned and made to believe they were intelligent and capable of greatness? We already know the answer. The clone would succeed to a higher level because they believed they could

As I drifted from the conversation I started to wonder what perception had to do with the baggage I was carrying around my belly. I wondered; could I identify my perceptions and if I could replace the negative ones could I change my physical appearance? Without even testing I knew that a change in perception would equal a change in the results.

I immediately discovered that I had a perception that at my age I was too old to be really physically fit - I quickly changed that one. 

I then remembered that fish grow into the size of their aquarium and thought that we likely grow into the size of our stretchable pants I was determined to wear jeans again.

I have decided that there are 5 stages of weight gain.

1. You notice that weight matters and no matter what you stuff yourself into designer jeans. You can still wear sleeveless shirts.
2. You decide that the jeans just aren't worth the pain and slip into comfortable sweats. You buy bigger clothes to hide the weight you have gained. And definitely would not show off your arms.
3. You decide it is just easier to stay on THE BIG COMFY COUCH than it is to try to find something to wear.
4. You no longer care about designer jeans, it hurts now just to walk.
5. You're dead and you're losing weight again.

I observed a few things while checking out my perceptions...
Back away from the tube, maam.
That's it. Stand up, walk slowly, power off and lower the remote. You can do it. I used to hate people who preached the evils of TV and have masked my TV nights with educational programs to justify the hours I was watching. The TV itself is not evil but the only activity I seem to achieve while watching it is to lift my arm to stuff my face.

Caution, Chemicals - Out of Control
Hormones, insulin, PMS, pre-menopause, menopause, pregnancy, carbohydrates, MSG, proteins, caffeine, nicotine. We are subconsciously pushed and pulled and anaesthetized. 

We are fed chemicals, laced with chemicals, hidden under perfumes held together with preservatives. We inflict our bodies and our minds with caffeine and nicotine and wonder why we don't quite feel right. I have been so busy being busy that I have stuffed whatever was handy into my body. Guess that wasn't such a wise idea.

For now I will start believing I am the person I want to be under all of this and walk slowly toward nurturing my daily routine with conscious effort. I will start by believing I am my own individual and not some preconceived vision of what a women at my age looks like. I will take little steps. A little extra water here, a little more movement, a little less intake and let the vision come alive.

The perception problem didn't stop there...soon I heard a women say that "how could she be broke, when she's rich?"  I simply smiled, realizing it is all relative; 5 lbs or 100 lbs overweight can be viewed equally painful, just as being broke might mean, a penny in our pocket or $10,000.00 left in the bank. It is all about how we view our world.

How are you viewing yours?

(On a side note: I started with a little walk to the pool for a hot tub and one year later ended up liking it so much I started swimming every morning. I have lost the weight I gained from quitting smoking years ago. Each day I get a little healthier. I try to drink a little extra water and I shut the TV off earlier. I am still not in jeans. I have a long way to go - I just don't worry about it anymore. I have learned to love who I am, where I am, no matter what I am perceiving around me.)

Indigo Irwin Kennedy