(PI56) Creating Self
Written by Indigo Irwin Kennedy

     This article could be considered the second part of (pi54 Jan.2003 newsletter, Choice/Fear and Innocent Exploration using the hand cream example).  In part one, I had found that the simplest decisions that I had to make, had become problematic because I was not ready to risk the few available remaining funds that I had available. This fear of making a mistake leaked into all aspects of my life and can be quite common among people that have struggled for a very long time. It does not necessarily relate to money but to the fear of choosing and trying anything from a new career, new clothes, new hobbies to love and relationships. 

     Knowing that I had developed a bad habit of keeping the status quo, whether good or bad and knowing that I had developed a bad perception that I was going to suffer because I experimented with life, however, did not make the old habit stop instantly; in fact, I found that I needed to frequently remind myself to break these nasty, old habits. I did not realize how far and how deeply I hade buried the fear inside me.  In this article on Creating Self, I explore how the bad habit of accepting "good enough" still haunted me through my daily choices.

     I was so lost in my bad habits of choosing good enough, that I no longer knew who I was, what I liked nor what I wanted to do with my life. I was just like a bowl of Jell-O, ready to be molded into any shape by any willing chef.  I knew that if I could not figure out what shape I wanted to be then I would be vulnerable to be shaped into what suited others and what they thought I should be.

       I remembered back to when I had thought that one day I might be a dancer. My passion for dancing was seated deep within my soul yet I never truly pursued the dream, it just was not part of surviving on the streets. The survival mode that I was in  led me to doubt myself and my ability to achieve so I stopped believing in the dream.  The dream disappeared from view and  I never really  danced again. 

     Yet, years later, alone in my house, while the sun shone through my patio doors, I listened to a particularly good oldie on the radio and I  began to dance. I closed my eyes and I listened to the rhythm; I felt the movement and I felt alive. I smiled  at the simple pleasure of it. I knew that I was alone and that no one was watching and no one could judge as I danced. 

     In my mind, I saw that a slim, muscular, athletically toned dancer in black leotards had taken center stage. The darkness surrounded her and a single white spot light fell upon her. She began to move and I recognized her; it was the girl I once knew and it was me. I swayed to the music as my mind observed the dancer and her dance.

     The dancer, in my mind, was sure of herself and of her sexuality.  She moved rhythmically and she moved with grace.  She allowed her feminine energy to be celebrated in a steady stream of  swaying hips and undulating arm movements. I felt her energy flowing throughout my body, part of me, caged yet free. Alone, but happy because she danced her dance to perfect motions that were all hers.

 I opened my eyes to the mirror in front of me. How far away I had traveled from the dancer. 

     The clothes I wore seemed wrong, unlike the dancers choice. They were comfort clothes chosen because I was felt I was too big to stuff into the slinkier clothes that the dancer loved. Instead the clothes I wore were cheap throw outs that someone else had tossed. Garage sale and bargain shop items that I had chosen to adorn myself in. Ragged, torn and stained yellow from a bad washing machine - yet still worn, not tossed. It was the hand cream situation (Jan. 2003 newsletter) all over again but this time on a much bigger scale.

     My facade, the covering in which I chose to walk into the world with, was chosen with little consideration, on my part, of what it might do to my psyche. These coverings did not support the person I believed I was, the person I really was inside behind the facade and they certainly did not support the person I desired to be. 

     I had refused to wear sexy clothes for fear of being laughed at as a fat woman stuffing herself into slinky outfits that just did not belong there. I had refused to be feminine, believing it would take my male energy to survive.  I could not be all that I could be regardless of size, at the time, I just could not reach that belief. Obviously I had judgment issues.

A dangerous environment had been created; my belief that I should hide myself away began to make the weight grow.

     The polyester and baggie stretch pants I had once viewed with distain were hanging on me and dishonoring the dancer inside.  I had refused to show my body, for fear a roll or two may hang out or the odd cellulite minefield may appear. 

     What I had forgotten was that fish and plants could grow to accommodate the size of their aquarium or pot  and so could I.  I had grown to fit the size of my expandable pants, and now every conversation would steer from comments like, "Hey, baby do you want to dance." to "Hey, have you heard the latest diet craze and did you KNOW you could stand to loose a few pounds". Wow, that was breaking news.

     Finally, the frustration bubbled and fermented and the pressure grew until it had to burst.  I had,  had enough!  I grabbed two large bags from under the kitchen sink; one for garbage and one for the Salvation Army and began to toss out my ugly-wear.  I managed about 80% of my horrible wardrobe, most ended in the trash as it was not good enough for the Sally Ann and the other 20% would take a little extra time. After all, gaining the confidence to show myself was one thing; but I would never be confident enough to shop for new clothes absolutely naked.  I would need to wear the few remaining garments I had while I created the SELF I desired to be. 

     I now realize that I had spent more money on "good enough for now" clothes than I would have on a few good pieces that I really liked, and that would really look good on me. Because I shopped without a plan I  needed more clothing because during the bargain hunting I had accumulated a lot of clothes that did not match.  The multitude of clothing that had been saved over the years,  packed and moved, thrown  in storage boxes and closets, hangars and the floor did nothing to make me feel good about myself.   

     Because I had not claimed my colours, my style, my dreams and my pleasures and because I had chosen a "this will work"  wardrobe  and a "this is fine lifestyle", I again tore at my self-esteem, and my self-identity. I taught myself that I did not deserve better. 

     I was in a place common to many parents and many providers; "It's good enough for me as long as my kids look good" and " I'm so tired, I need comfort clothes." It supports us so I have to stay here - forever". If you hear yourself saying these words, be careful. You may be heading in a direction that you might not want to go. 

     I think many large people are beautiful and/or handsome. I believe that all people are beautiful when they are in the place that for them, feels right. I was however a physically active person who no longer was.  My weight was not created from comfort - it had been created by  fear and a desire to hide from challenging myself - taking risks.  I was no longer the best that I could be.  I believe that when we do not become all that we can be with the resources that we have that we dishonor the gifts that God gives to us. We turn our back on why we are here. 

     For me the lack of energy, lack of slinky clothes and lack of muscle definition, made me uncomfortable. I am fascinated with the look of a toned muscle, and love the way clothes hang on a slender body. I want to run, to dance, to climb a tree.  These are the things that bring me joy; joy for the simple joy of it. I needed to change.  

    I felt that I had ended up ten years and a thousand miles away from the person I wanted to be without consciously noticing the gap that had grown between desire and reality. Sometimes dreams are simply not possible and sometime dreams just change and we need to find new dreams.

     When we can achieve our dreams, but we do not, because we doubt or we fear, then we short-change our time on earth.   We simple stay safe but we do not empower our gift.  These safe paths can plant the seeds of regret; and regret is what I fear more than failure. 

    We can achieve our dreams even if we have to achieve them in smaller portions and at a slower pace.  Remember also that walking toward the achievement of a dream is often more fun than the dream itself and we don't have to quit our job right away or make major moves, we need to simply begin.  Introduce the tiniest part of the dream itself; like dance lessons for the dancer. 

    On a quest to retrain myself I decided to choose clothes that would suit who I really was and that would match my new style.  I tried to stop beating myself up for spending on myself while being very conscious that a Wave Rider can go on overspending trips to find pleasure.  There is a big difference between spending to improve mood and spending to enhance our lives in ways that we have planned for on our Mid-wave. 

     I finally stuffed my large rolls into bike shorts and a tank top.  I sucked in my gut, faced my fear and proudly went public. I had taken the first step in getting me where I want to go. I had taken the first step in telling my brain that what I saw before me was not where or what I was supposed to be and instantly I became more active and a wee bit closer to reaching my goal . (I did have to keep motivating myself along the way)

     I started on the journey to find my own style. I changed my hair, my earrings and my style of clothes and then something happened, and I fell back again. Good clothes in the closet, wearing just good enough again!    My commitment to free myself and allow myself innocent exploration gave into the old habits and busy days. If I had given up I would be destined to stay there. 

     I had to learn to reward myself for each small step forward and to replace my old negative habits with new positive ones to reinforce the process.  I had to consciously watch for the old habit trying to sneak back in and I had to remember that if the brain sees the change as a small insignificant change that it may not jump into fear and fight me on my quest to improve.  

  As we get older the new things we introduce to our brains do not create as many new paths, instead the older brain rewrites the path and this is not as stable as a new brain path.  This means that the older we get the more we will have to work for change.  

     One of the most important things for us to remember as we continue to strive toward the life that we desire is that we continue to find and enjoy happiness today and every day.  Far too often we fall into the pattern of waiting until some goal arrives to be happy.  Try to enjoy this moment no matter how small.  

     My hardest bad habit to break was that I would put my good clothes away for a special occasion.  I am finally beginning to wear "better than good enough" every day and finally feel that  I am on the way to being me again. I am not waiting for the goal to arrive to be happy, I am making the road to the new me, an adventure, that I can enjoy each day. 

     I do not focus on the me that I am today and the negativity that I may feel about what is in the mirror as that negative process is only self defeating. Instead, I accept myself today and know that where I am, at this moment is in a state of change.  

     Creating self can take time.  It can take time for us to discover, not who we used to be but who we are now and who we want to become.  Rarely do we take the time for the exploration and creation of self, utilizing the hints from heaven rather than creating self from habit.  We need to keep watching for ways that we rob ourselves of self-esteem and succumb to the fear. 

     We often can find ourselves lost in the turmoil of hurt, anger and disappointment. Watch for energy zapping patterns and habits that influence your life. Learn who you really are and give yourself the time to create.  Perhaps the first small step can be in dressing yourself as the person you want to become.  If you are a ditch digger that wants to be a lawyer, try buying a new suit as the first step.  If you want to race dogs in the Alaska Iditarod but you live in an apartment, start by buying some books and all those dog booties you will eventually need. 

Start today on the journey to discover and create the "self" that will make you feel proud of who you are! So that in the end you will look back on your life, not in regret but in a confident knowing that you became the best that you can be! 

Enjoy the journey!

Indigo Irwin Kennedy