Hidden Emotions
by Indigo Irwin Kennedy
©Author: Indigo Irwin Kennedy/TheWaveRiders.com
(PI0904emotions)
Occasionally, I fall into the
trap of believing that I have mastered my emotions and am
no longer vulnerable to fits of rage, or childlike whining,
and ugly, irrational ways of thinking. Often as adults,
we think we have mastered our emotions only to find them
popping up in strange places, especially during stressful
periods.
I have found that I experience have a few different sets
of these mysterious emotions. The first one is a pleasant
emotion that appears as beautiful feeling of joy as if I
can feel, rather than see my future. Sometimes, this feeling
induces a calm and sensuous tingle within my body and I
bathe in the glow of its love. Imaginary, steamy breaths
of love caressingly flicker across my skin rolling down
past my solar plexus to rest on that which I know as my
sacred heaven. Soft touches burn and linger pushing waves
of pleasure, shivering and rushing, bombarding my mind with
a torrential flood of pleasure and pain. These sensations
feel like an inner glimpse and familiarity of a beautiful
future or past that I have experienced yet do not remember.
Today is a little
different. I feel nudged by a little something that keeps
tugging at my soul, like some hidden force that whispers
to me, "I am still here", "I am still here",
only I cannot decipher the name or the sensation. Today
it is neither positive nor negative; it is just a sense
of being in touch with a source beyond the physical sensations
of the surrounding room.
Sometimes, the
mysterious sensation is not pleasurable at all, but an uncomfortable
cringing and nagging that comes up from the recesses of
my gut pushing me to behave and feel in ways I thought I
was, or surely I thought I should be by now, above such
unexpected child-like bouts of pouting and self-pity. Sometimes
these emotions rush instantly into my life and feel like
the ancient fears of a child scratching at the lining of
my stomach tearing it into a bloody and painful mess.
Here are some
examples of how and when these nasty childlike feelings
may occur
- Bizarre feelings of possessive
jealousy; my mind hording over someone or something that
is not even mine to hold, only later to find I never really
cared nor wanted this thing or person that caused me the
feeling of loss. Such as a crush on someone who later you
find yourself not the least bit attracted to.
- Insecurities of being unworthy
of love, rushing in during a moment of perceived disapproval,
upon hearing the simple, little word - no. I know that No,
does not mean. " I hate you" or "you really
screwed up" it simple means no to your question. I
know that I have not erred by asking the question, it is
simply the receiver could not or did not want to comply.
Everyone has the right to say no and so the word NO should
not carry such power, but sometimes it does and sometimes
it stings with unreasonalble pain.
- Sometimes we experience the
instantaneous destruction of confidence and the resurrection
of humiliation during a single moment of rejection. Can
we not see that we are all at times, "simply the wrong
entree in the smorgasbord of life"? Can we not see
that the rejection is often for our own benefit?
I am not saying
that this is how I feel all the time; in fact, I rarely
ever feel this way, but occasionally from "out of nowhere"
appears this bizarre reaction to common and normally inconsequential
experiences.
So I began to
wonder. Where do these emotional oddities hide when they
are not directly on the table before us, ready for our dissection?
We can go for months, even years, in emotional harmony and
then, WHAM! We are flooded with our red-faced, high-blood-pressure-fits
of stupidity and immature behavior.
I truly and deeply
BELIEVE not just THINK that we are perfect in our imperfections
because our imperfections are perfect for us to learn
our life lessons, and without these imperfections;
there would be nothing to learn. So in fact, our imperfections
are not imperfections at all. I believe that once we have
learned the life lesson that is associated with the perceived
imperfection that the imperfection itself is dissolved
or becomes insignificant.
I also believe
that our souls are taken care of here on earth and those
things and people do not become part of our lives do so
because they were not in the best interest of our lesson
to be learned. So, with the strong belief that I have, should
I not be above these illogical feelings of inadequacy and
fear? What happens when we think we have moved on from the
lesson, but the lesson returns twice as strong to punch
us in the face? Why do we sometimes feel like we are constantly
facing the same challenges?
When might these
hidden feeling reappear? These feeling may appear when...
1. When we are tired from our "up" wave ride and
we head just below the middle wave, we often become vulnerable
to feelings that are not really part of our current belief
system but are what we believed ourselves to be in the
past. We are in fact tired and resort to our childlike state
especially if we have driven ourselves beyond the breaking
point. I like to use the example here of the child that
has had too much birthday cake, too much excitement and
too much noise. They were having so much fun they could
not and did not know how to stop until finally their mind
sends them into a temper tantrum. The child does not really
feel the upset about the things that he/she focuses on at
that moment…they are just exhausted and will, given
enough rest and time, feel much better. As adults we often
throw ourselves into a work or play frenzy, only we are
too old to be throwing a temper tantrum so we resort to
anger and self-loathing because we are too far gone to remember
how to stop! During this exhaustive state, we are very
vulnerable to having child-like reactions to common events.
2. When we believe
that we have mastered our lessons, and perhaps we have,
the lesson will come back, from some hidden place, to test
us at least one more time. These lessons return, as if,
to see if we will react differently given similar circumstances.
For example, we previously experienced pain because we chose
to have someone else do something because we believed we
were not good enough, or smart enough - not because we thought
it was the best decision but because we doubted our own
abilities. Doubt is not God like - Doubt is fear not faith.
Learning to grow beyond doubt is one of life's lessons.
When this experience resurfaces, will our decisions be the
same? Did we really learn the lesson? This final testing
is similar to a final exam after our school midterms brought
forth to determine whether you know your stuff enough
to go to the next level of experience and knowledge.
Chose the same steps and you will find the same results.
3. When we are
stuck in the lesson. We are stuck in a lesson when rather
than gain insight and wisdom from an experience, we take
the experience personally as if the attack was directed
at us because of a personal inadequacy or karmic wrongdoing.
In this case we have not learned or moved forward from the
experience but instead are personally wounded and carrying
the negativity with us allowing each additional similar
lesson to dig the wound deeper and deeper. Lets use as an
example a child whose puppy died after being hit by a car.
After a period of mourning the child will come to the place
where an understanding of the experience will be created
in his/her mind. Either the interpretation of the experience
will lead the child to a place of great compassion for other
children that experience similar pain, such as becoming
a great and empathetic veterinarian or this child may decide
instead to blame God for this vicious personal attack and
never feel safe to love again. The child may also determine
that he/she must have done something bad for this to happen
to them. None of us can say with absolute certainty why
bad things happen, but I believe that our human bodies and
minds experience great pain, but that our soul remains unharmed
through the experience and simply observes the experience
and gains a new understanding. It may be that there is no
other way for our soul to understand the experience other
than to produce the pain associated with it. Getting stuck
in the negativity of the lesson prevents us from moving
forward.
4. There is also the possibility that an experience was
so painful that we have tried to bury it deeply within our
minds so that we no longer remember the experience but our
mind still remembers the emotions associated with "a
trigger" that releases what the mind believes is the
"appropriate" reaction.
It happened not
so long ago - there I stood feeling embarrassed and devastated
at the rejection of an idea. I was embarrassed that the
idea was not good enough and jealous over another's ability.
Blood poured into each cell in my face and the pressure
began to build until I was sure steam would blow out both
of my eardrums. I felt physical ill and overwhelmed with
panic at the words that jabbed my self-esteem. "That
idea is tacky". How cruel those words seem now. Intellectually,
I do not feel envious of the talents, the physical attributes
or the possessions held by others. I know that not all ideas
should be embraced. I know that an idea rejected is not
a bad idea and that an idea rejected iss really only not
the right idea for this time. I also know that we all see
ideas a little differently. I realized that these feelings
of inadequacy were illogical yet there they were, feeling
strong and powerful enough that they were taking this tough
girl down.
Were these unnecessary
surges of freaky emotion, simply the triggered response
produced by the perceived uncomfortable stimuli or did they
go deeper than an autonomic reaction? Is it still the insecurities
of the inner child not quite healed yet? Does the child
sit and watch waiting for pain to come and then does the
child scream… "You see, I told you the pain
would come !" Are healing imperfections, like doubt
and fear, our main goals in life? Are we in the constant
struggle, pursuing angelic perfection? Do we heal a lesson
and face retesting by the lesson later in life?
I believe so.
Many times, a
hurt that we think we have healed returns to face us one
more time. It seeps up from those hidden recesses to say,
"Hey, are you still vulnerable to this emotion ?"
"Do you still doubt ?" "How strong
is your faith ?"
It is interesting
how we can observe the final dismissal of the lesson, if
we are ready when the final test appears. What would have
previously caused us great pain becomes a non-issue because
we no longer suffer the same feelings of inadequacy.
The following
are examples of how we might react to a situation when we
have learned to move on from the lesson. These people are
demonstrating that they have graduated from the lessons
of self-doubt and externally based self-value.
- A man rejected in love learns
to have faith that the person rejecting him is not the right
person for him and moves on without pain or judgment. He
moves on without hating the person that rejected him and
has learned that he has great value regardless of whether
someone else loves him or not.
- An applicant, turned down
for a job does not dismiss his value because he was not
chosen, and instead continues his pursuit with the understanding
that there is something else for him. This person has learned
faith and trust.
- A woman trying to do too
many things in one day, struggles against the weight of
the responsibility and finally lets go, to do the best that
she can, without guilt. This woman has learned that we can
only be the best that we can be and do the best that we
can, with the resources given at this time and place.
- A man stops judging his personal
value based on the level of his bank account. He no longer
determines that he is a good person when his account is
high and a bad person when the account is low. This man
has learned to not judge himself or others based on material
worthiness.
- A woman learns to not override
her gut feeling for what she thinks will bring her ease
of work, great love or financial gain. She learns to listen
to the red flags rather than allowing the knight to blind
her with his shining amour. This woman has learned that
she has internal power to rely on.
I believe that lessons do come
back again to test us. They bring with them new characters
disguised as "the right people" or "the perfect
career" but they are often associated with the mysterious
feelings that rise again from some hidden place within your
body. Suddenly, your normally calm body is riddled with red
flags and anxiety. You are tempted to override the cautiousness
that you feel because, "life will be so much easier if
I just go along with it", or "this will give me
value", or "this person will fix my problems so
I don't have to do it myself".
You cannot give away your lessons.
See also the article called Substitute Challenges on the website
at http://www.thewaveriders.com/articles/pi081003.html
Each step of the lessons laid
out before you must be taken by you. Avoidance only prolongs
the lesson. When the lesson returns, we need to pull up the
information that we have gained the first time around and
use this knowledge or face the consequences of repeating the
same mistakes. When you sense that you are being challenged
by an old lesson, take a good look at yourself and check yourself
for doubt and insecurities that may lead you to make old decisions.
Recognize the lesson and move on in confidence.
As for the other mysterious
emotions like the neutral sense of something bigger than us
or the pleasant glimpses into the future, I am left stumped
not knowing if they are things to come or things once held.
At times, I can clearly feel
my life in a different place and time that I have no memory
of ever experiencing. I can smell the scents and feel the
presence of a person not currently in my life. I do not know
if it is a powerful dream or the gift of a hint of that which
is to come. The puzzle may solve itself one day but in the
meantime, I will simply enjoy the experience.
Yours in Faith,
Indigo Irwin Kennedy
Beyond the mind, around the heart, fill the soul.
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