Journey into Darkness
by Indigo Irwin Kennedy
©Author: Indigo Irwin Kennedy/TheWaveRiders.com (PI0804journey)

After weeks of non-stop work and 6 days of vacation driving, I began to see the familiar signs that I was falling into depression. I knew it was time for me to use the steps found in The Wave Riders book to head away from the depression, but instead I wanted to remember what depression was like. I wanted to observe myself taking the steps so that I could find the words to help other readers come back from the fall.

For Wave Riders the rules do not change. Depression will return whenever we break the boundaries that we have set out for ourselves "our personal limitations". If you push and push yourself without stopping, without balancing and without breathing - you will visit depression again. So, this time, instead of using the steps and pushing away the first negative thought. I allowed the thoughts in and I allowed myself to curl up on the couch and experience what I had dreaded for years. Once I allowed myself to take on the first few negative thoughts I became as trapped in the darkness as anyone else…. except I knew the way out - I had worked myself out before and was confident that I would be okay. I thought by showing how I got myself into the depression that it might illustrate how to climb back out better. I find that many people get stuck in the depression because they spend too long playing with the first bits of negativity as the negativity enters their minds.

Journey into Darkness.
I reached for the curtains and pulled them across the window to hide from the sunshine and allow nothing to break the cocoon that I was creating in my living room. I am tired, miserable and falling into the numb lack of caring darkened world. I no longer care what is happening around me as I wrap the comfortable blanket of depression around my body. I know why IT is here, just back from a vacation and too many late nights and long hours of driving. Now, all I want to do is pull away from the world, to curl up and to cry. It is so easy now to give into the many thoughts of lack and pending disaster swirling around in my mind. I have to remember that this is not real. I have to remember not to believe what I am telling myself or IT will pull me down farther. This is not a game. If I toy with this too long, I will begin to damage my relationships, my career and my physical and mental health. Luckily, today, there is no one around me so I am unable to lash out in anger. I know that with the exhaustion and this lack of caring, that I would be snapping at those I love.

I hear the words in my head. "I am in a major depression, burned-out and fed-up with the world". It feels awful and I wonder why I want to stay this way. Part of me longs to stay in the depression. Even though I say that I do not want to be depressed, I can feel something that is comforting there…. perhaps it is just rest that I see. If I give up, I will finally get some rest from the over work. Even the words "I am in a major depression", seem to have the power to drag me deeper and deeper into the abyss.

My mind has become a nasty, foul enemy - tearing and ripping at my skin like the sharp claws of a mountain lion. My gut has twisted in an ominous braid that threatens to return the fast food that I have forced down into my already full stomach. My overeating disgusts me even more. My mind has created a continuous craving for food trying to fill some perceived void and lack that lurks there in the pit of my belly.

My depression is self-centered. A self-focused view of everything I do not have in my life, everything that I am not and every ounce of weight left to loose. I no longer see the good that I have done, the things that I have accomplished and can no longer find joy or the perception of things I might enjoy. It is just that quick. One week I love life (the up) then I hate it (the down). I know that neither is where I want to be. I have found joy and happiness in the middle and no longer want to play this game. Yet, here I am feeling lousy and left with nothing good to look forward to. There is no more point to it all - no reason to try - no outcome that will ever please me.

I am intellectually aware that I had over done myself recently, yet my mind wants to forget and I begin to wonder why I feel this way. I yawn and am barely able to see through tired eyes. Yet, I only barely recall the past that created the exhaustion. Nothing matters, not the past not the future. Only the depression has meaning - only the depression has existence.

Because I am aware of the process am I able to remind myself of the over work and the vacation exhaustion. Without this awareness, I am sure I would not be able to see why I landed back in depression. I would instead have focused on the depression and on the fact that something must be wrong with ME to have landed me back here again. Because I am aware, I am able to remind myself that it was not ME but MY ACTIONS that landed me here.

I, now in the midst of the negativity, focus on the messy room, the weight I have not lost, and the work I must do. I know in my mind that my life is good but I cannot see it. My tainted view has discolored all that surrounds me.

Normally, I would push this depression away by not focusing on it and not telling myself that I am depressed. I would instead just recognize my exhaustion and treat myself well until I had built up my energy again. This time I do not push it away. I want to explore it again so that I can explain it again.

Perhaps, if we can learn the steps into the depression then perhaps, it will be easier to find the steps to climb back out. Once the exhaustion has set in or I am starting to feel ill, all I need to do to become depressed is to keep thinking the negative, to avoid cleaning my house, and to avoid exercising or doing anything that gives me pleasure.

Focus! Focus! Focus!

Focus on everything negative…that will guarantee my depression!

My social abilities and my work abilities struggle to be what they can be but are sorely lacking…why, why, why? I am almost blind. I struggle to remember that my social abilities are depleted. I feel that I have nothing more to give. I want to quit, to hide, to move, to flee. Any major decisions now would be disastrous, wrong and very likely unnecessary. My mind now wants to solve all the perceived problems in my life where just a few weeks ago there were no problems. In exhaustion, my mind wants to study each perceived imperfection when it should instead be resting.

This depression has the power to last for weeks, however, thankfully, it will not take hold of me because I know why it is here and I will only allow myself this day to rest and feel sad if I must. I will wallow for a day because I can.

When I have exhausted myself; major and suicidal depression is always available for me. It is available every time I choose to wrap depression around me like a warm blanket and to fall into the comfort that I see in IT's arms. I am in it right now, yet it is different for me as I know the way out. Today, I choose to stay in the depression. How do I do that? I stay in the depression by not trying to leave it. I stay in it by listening to the negativity, by repeating the negativity and by telling myself that I am depressed. We are not sweeping problems under the carpet to simply ignore them; rather we are consciously choosing to deal with our problems at a different time. We are consciously recognizing our need for rest.

The negative thinking I am experiencing will not fill up my lost energy and it will not help me to get the rest that I need. Nonetheless, there it is like clockwork the minute I over extend myself.

This time there is more to the depression then just exhaustion. The depression this time the depression is tainted with an intense, burning anger. For some reason, I feel the need to lash out at someone. This anger is common with Wave Riders. We strike at those around us. We strike at those we love; our children, our spouses; our friends. We place blame on everyone around us, as if somehow they are to blame for our misery.

There is more to learning our personal rules than just breathing and staying in balance, we must also learn our personal rules about what we want in our lives. We can override our true nature for a short time but that walking away will come back to us in anger and depression.

Let me give you an example.
As my business in the computer industry became more successful, I began to take on more and more clients. I began working steadily in the field that I enjoyed but I knew I was not as passionate about it as I was about developing support for The Wave Riders.

I took on more clients than I wanted to and found the extra work pulling me away from writing and producing the video workshops.

God had provided me an income and time to work on more of The Wave Riders, but as the business kept coming in the financial success kept flashing in front of my eyes and all I wanted to do was keep on going.

It was a "greed" decision over a "spirit" decision and it did not sit well within my soul. I had crossed over from faith to fear. The fear in believing that if I did not take up on the opportunity that there would be nothing for tomorrow. I forgot how God has always provided for me when I allowed him to and when I walked and worked in faith. It is a human characteristic to believe that we must push and push for our own success rather than allowing God to guide us through. Yes, we must put effort into our lives, but we must always keep an eye on the path that we are walking. We have to always double-check that the path is right for us.

I know that if I just allow myself to work on The Wave Riders support materials that all will be well for me and for my family. I know that I will be helping others to do well in their lives, but the things that I THINK I NEED and WANT right now kept calling me to take on more work. They kept calling me away from what I really wanted to do. I created what I did not want in my life. I created work that I struggled to complete.
I created the environment for the anger to grow, and when watered with the feelings of exhaustion, it burst forth in depression and frustration. Many of us say, " I feel angry but I don't know why". If we look into what we are doing with our lives we may just find the answer.

I can see it clearly now. The path that led me to where I am today here on this couch feeling neglected and unloved. My clarity will not allow me to stay in the depression as I begin to see the path to what I must do. I no longer believe the negative words that my mind is telling me. I know that I must say no to more clients and begin again on my work on the video. I know that once I return to the middle, rested and nourished that I must always remember to stay balanced and breathe. I know that prevention is the absolute best cure for my depression.

I hope that you will see a familiarity in these feelings that I experienced while on the lower wave and that you will remember to tell yourself that these feelings are not uniquely yours, but are only a temporary place you visit, unless you choose to stay there. Depression is real and it is powerful, but so are you. You have within you the ability to choose to see the uselessness of the negativity and to start to slowly walk back to the middle. Remember to stay grounded and to stay true to who you really are.