Self- Squashed Dreams - Disappearing Hope.
by Indigo Irwin Kennedy
©Author: Indigo Irwin Kennedy/TheWaveRiders.com (PI0704dreams)

"If I do something I enjoy I will never make any money at it", he said, as his eyes lowered to his feet.
His first wife had hounded him for his efforts to create the landscaping business that he enjoyed and he constantly heard the criticism, "you can't just do what you want in this life - you get out there with the rest of them, and do what you have to do to get some money in this house!"

For 10 years, he struggled to get out of bed every day and drove into the office where he sat looking out the window, distracted and sleepy. He rarely smiled anymore and he believed there was nothing "out there" for him that would ever make him happy.

I looked into the deadened eyes without hope and asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" The reply was a monotone, drone of a sound, "nothing, there is nothing".

I was viewing the body expressions that are common with depression, slumped shoulders, and eyes dull and looking downward, every movement a slow and painful effort. Whoever he had been was lost to the steady forcing of the will to do something that is so against his true nature.

The words came from the same place. They are the words that come from our parents, our spouses and our friends. They are the words that can have debilitating life-long effects. These discouraging words when constantly beaten into an inquiring mind can push down the true desires of person. If their desire is pushed away for long enough, they will forget what their desires were and become unaware that within them lay their hidden dreams, hidden talents and hidden potential.

How often do we hear these words...

"You gotta work hard in this life to get ahead".
"You can play with your dreams but you better get a real job".
"What is the point of doing something that will not pay the bills?"

As parents, I would hope that we are trying to teach our children to work smarter and not harder. Working smarter includes finding some line of work that you really enjoy. This is not a new age belief, but a practice that has proven results. If you work something you hate long enough you will burnout and be of use to no-one - not even yourself. Continue working that which you hate and you will lose your hope, your faith and any chance of finding joy.

When I first met this fellow he was recently laid off was taking a retraining class that I taught on Internet Fundamentals. He sat in that class with the hope of finding a new caree which would include sitting at a desk behind a computer, inside another building where he would inevitably spend hours again staring out the window. He hated computers and he hated being stuck in an office, but he was determined to find another job that he hated because it was the smart thing to do.

He sat throughout the class, never smiling, occasionally speaking in low energy monotone voice that lacked excitement and emphasized his hopeless, desperate search for "something to do that would bring money in". Etched on his face were the scars of a man beaten to the ground. He had hated his previous job and was not looking forward to starting yet another job that he was sure that he would hate for the next 10 years.

After the class ended, I did not see this fellow for many months, then one day I watched him walk into the pool where I swim three times a week. What I saw pained my heart. I saw a man separated from the world, numb and alone. I saw blankness in his eyes, dark and without life. We said hello and spent some time talking in the steam room, where he repeated those words as he told me he was still searching for something to do with his life.

"If I do something I enjoy, I will never make any money at it."

I asked him why he thought that was true and he relayed to me the story of the constant belittling of his ideas, first by his father and then by his now ex-wife. He was now married to a woman who seemed to support what he would like to do, but now he no longer knew what that was. He had fallen into depression and the hopelessness was beginning to ruin his new relationship. He walked through his days staring at his feet knowing that nothing would ever make him happy. There was just something wrong with him that did not allow him to feel the happiness that other people felt. It was always this way and would always stay this way.

After talking with him for a few minutes, he told me that he had a degree in landscape architecture, and as he spoke about his previous designs, a sparkle past through his eye. I asked him why he did not put his degree into action he said,

"If I do something I enjoy, I will never make any money at it", and the sparkle left his eye.
"If I can't make any money at it, then what is the point?"

Now, fifteen minutes in the steam room is not the time or place to start working with someone on finding their passions, so I tried desperately to throw in a couple of words that I hoped would encourage him to this time, try something that he did enjoy. I watched as he left the steam and I knew unless he could change the attachment to the end goal result of everything he did, that he would never regain his childlike "innocent exploration" of the world. (see also the January 2003 article on Innocent Exploration http://www.thewaveriders.com/articles/pi54.htmland the March 2003 Innocent Exploration Part II http://www.thewaveriders.com/articles/pi57.html )

Our inner desires - the pilot light of our gas furnaces, when blown out leave our world cold and dark. It is a difficult time made easier by remembering that our little flame can burn again, though we will not believe it at that time…we must. It is not that he does not have ideas and passions; it is just that these dream are hidden from his view at this time. If he begins to take little steps towards doing something that he thinks he might enjoy then these hidden passions will begin to reveal themselves again.

If we attach the "outcome of fortune" or "the outcome of fame" or "the outcome or future material gain" to our exploration of what makes us happy in the world, we will never find our passions. They will disappear because we will continually squash any ideas before we have a chance to try it. I agree that sometimes you need to get out and cut the neighbors grass for grocery money or work the painful job to pay the rent, but I also know that forcing yourself to work a job you hate will never end in complete success. Financial success may be gained, but not usually, because you burnout before ever achieving the financial reward. The cost paid for working solely for profit or gain is too dear a price to pay.

Wave riders are often "black and white" thinkers and are either working or quitting, with little thought to the in-between gray areas, like working while developing your passions. We love it or hate it, overwork or do not work, we are trying everything or we are trying nothing, we are stuck in a situation or we cannot settle down, we are immobile or we are running from life.

We forget that we can work toward the goal of landscape architecture while working to help pay the base bills. We forget that we can begin to develop foundation clients for the business that we love, while we work pumping gas at the local gas station. There is a trick to keep in mind so that the job you work to pay the bills does not take over your life, leaving you little time to develop your dreams.

The trick to doing this double work successfully comes from making sure that the "base money" job does not occupy the greatest portion of your creative brain. You want a job that still allows you to bring your brain back home with you so that you will be able to use it to build your new business, write a book or retrain for a new career. Choose a simple job that you leave behind when the workday ends. Many wave riders are compulsive achievers and cannot take on a simple job without trying to improve it and working their way up to management. You do not want to take over the gas station…you simply want to pump the gas. Do a good job at it yes, but do not start designing the brochures and working extra hours at home on new budget ideas. Simply pump the gas and utilize the income to help build your "landscape business".

You cannot just sit on the curb and pray for dreams to come true and expect that they will land at your feet. You need to take the first steps towards the dream. You cannot avoid your dreams because you do not have enough faith. There is balance. Walk toward your dreams, while taking odd jobs to help financially or work your day job and take a course that gets you the new training you need. Consider a combination of correspondence and school. Take as many courses as you can by correspondence first, then take the remaining courses at school minimizing your downtime.

The point is that there are many gray areas in the black and white world, if we open our minds to the possibilities. By shutting down our dreams, we state that we know all there is to know about the results of what we do. When we deny who we really are, we deny that which God gave us and we turn our backs on faith. When we work what we hate instead of nurturing and working toward our goals, we drain our creativity and kill off our success energy. We drain the energy that drives us all the way to the finish line.

If your dream is now impossible such as you have damaged both knees and can no longer be a dancer, then modify your dreams and become a teacher, or a coach or a dance photographer.

I once watched a documentary on a girl who was so passionate about dancing that when she lost both legs she had specially designed spring loaded "dance legs" built so that she could continue. When you witness such determination it makes a joke out of all the little excuses that we come up with as to why we cannot do the thing we want to do.

When I thought openly about what I might enjoy, I thought about sheep dog trials and border collies. I knew nothing about training border collies, did not have sheep, and had never been on a farm. I thought the idea impossible, until I found a breeder and trainer only 45 minutes from my home that trains people and dogs for sheep dog trials using her own sheep. I thought I might be going a little crazy and had to double check that I was not on an "up wave" when I invested hard earned cash into a pure bred dog. I was not sure that I would follow through on the daily exercise and training, but I felt strongly that I would enjoy this experience. I did it not do this to gain a job or a possible outcome, I did it solely as something, I thought I would enjoy (I knew I loved dogs).

It was a risk, and it was an adventure with unknown endings. I did not give up my job to take on this new adventure; I implemented it into my life. The results so far have already been; meeting great new friends, the opening of new possible careers, additional income possibilities and enough joy and passion to fill my cup of life for many years to come. Who knows where this adventure will take me in the end.

A new adventure may not fill your bank account, but it will fill your spirit and in turn a full spirit has the ability to succeed must better than one that has been drained and squashed by the tight restrictions placed on the end result.

Most barriers to our dreams are the ones that we create.

Try not to attach "the absolute MUST HAVE end results" to your dreams so that ideas and new adventures can flow freely through your mind. If you continually attach negative endings to all that you think of, you will never try anything new. If you always know the outcome before you try something new then you will never experience the wonder and joy of a surprise ending.

You have choices in this life. A major decision in you life is to choose to be willing to try something new and perhaps fail and enjoy the new adventure or choose to never try anything new and be miserable for the rest of your life.

It is your life, your choice. You get one chance in this lifetime to make it a good one.
Start walking freely toward any odd little dream that you once squashed down as long as it is a dream that has come to you on a mid-wave. Do not jump on any high-energy wave ride ideas until you have had the time to breathe and come back to the mid-wave area. Remember that it is often these little pleasures that grow into fantastic careers.

Enjoy the adventure!
PS Time to go for my first tap dancing lesson in over 20 years - just for me - just for fun!